Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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