Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
