wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
