i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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