A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish life had little blips of pornography
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
