fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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