I'm really into asian looking animals
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
