sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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