I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
