Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
