you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i don't like sucking hair
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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