So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
