3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
