Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
