Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
