I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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