i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
