Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
