I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
