We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
