Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
