I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize