and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
