Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
