I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
