my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
