i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
