and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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