Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
