saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
