When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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