Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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