my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
