did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
