Umm I'm too high to move.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
