genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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