I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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