My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
