I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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