Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
