I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
