just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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