I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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