I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
