Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
time to smoke my breakfast
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
