I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
