Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
