I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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