if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
