there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
