I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
