I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
