i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
