you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
